An Inner Peace of Sorts

My mind seems to have taken a turn in the past few days.

I won’t be getting diagnosed, probably. My psychologist keeps telling me that it’s ‘stronger to acknowledge the fact that I only show a few traits without a full diagnosis’. Because of this, along with that terrible meeting with the psychiatrist that specialized in ASDs, I’d been strongly doubting that I even had AS.

And then I realized that I don’t seem to show my true feelings with people. When I am uncomfortable, I begin to act overly confident, even arrogant, and I start ‘talking down’ to people. With this, I also realized that communicating with people verbally is very difficult for me, especially when I am upset or anxious. Instead, I become increasingly less coherent, and people only understand half of what I am trying to say. In essence, while I think that I am explaining myself to the fullest extent… I’m not. This realization was terrifying, but very significant to me.

Just a few nights ago, when I realized this… I was distraught. I suddenly felt like my problems are, in fact, debilitating, and that there was no way for me to explain this to anyone other than my mother.

But, at the same time… it was validation. I know that I probably have this now. I know that I will never be diagnosed, especially with the DSM change…

And I don’t care.

I’ve always felt more comfortable with labels. They are a way of combatting my own illogical thoughts because they are concrete.

However, I don’t need a label in order to live with AS. I need to learn to deal with my difficulties and to harness my strengths… I don’t need to dwell in self-analysis and frustration.

I have been in a constant loop for months… but it’s over now. I can finally read again and I don’t have to analyze all of my thoughts and actions. Maybe I have it, but maybe I don’t.

I just have to follow the road and see what happens.

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “An Inner Peace of Sorts

  1. Hi Raven, just to say that I wish you well. The path to self-knowledge and confidence can be a difficult one when understanding is hard to find. Having said that, the process of learning about one’s own situation makes it easier to empathise with others and that has to be a good thing. Good luck! 🙂

  2. With or without a formal diagnosis, you can still benefit from self-diagnosis as well as seeing if your area has local GRASP meetings, which stands for the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership. I found out about this through Michael John Carley’s Asperger’s from the Inside Out. You may not ever have a formal diagnosis, but if you are able to be around other diagnosed Aspergians and compare notes, you might find some support for your self-diagnosis.

    You can find out some information here: http://grasp.org/

    And you can also look for support at http://www.wrongplanet.net/ and
    http://www.autismhangout.com/default.asp

    and should you not find what you are looking for in Aspie-specific communities, you can find some understanding here:

    http://arianebenefit.com/blog/2011/10/05/who-are-outliers-and-what-is-neurodiversity/

    and here:

    http://addictedtoinsight.com/

    and practical strategies here:

    http://blog.neatandsimple.com/

    They are different web pages from the same woman, who is a life coach with a lot of understanding of neurodiverse people and outliers (a category in which gifted, highly creative and Aspies definitely belong).

    I think, quite honestly, the diagnosis is only the first step and not particularly necessary, except for perhaps your self-definition or sense of belonging to a tribe.

    I am writing a series of posts about the things that are related to my particular areas of difficulty – disorganization, multiple interests, giftedness. I keep toying about writing a post about female Aspies, because I’ve always been wondering about myself. I have many reasons to think why I’m NOT an Aspie, yet, I share a lot of similar traits. Where is the line drawn? I don’t really think it’s as clearly marked in females as it is in males. It presents much more subtly.

    Best Wishes,

    Casey

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s