My mind seems to have taken a turn in the past few days.
I won’t be getting diagnosed, probably. My psychologist keeps telling me that it’s ‘stronger to acknowledge the fact that I only show a few traits without a full diagnosis’. Because of this, along with that terrible meeting with the psychiatrist that specialized in ASDs, I’d been strongly doubting that I even had AS.
And then I realized that I don’t seem to show my true feelings with people. When I am uncomfortable, I begin to act overly confident, even arrogant, and I start ‘talking down’ to people. With this, I also realized that communicating with people verbally is very difficult for me, especially when I am upset or anxious. Instead, I become increasingly less coherent, and people only understand half of what I am trying to say. In essence, while I think that I am explaining myself to the fullest extent… I’m not. This realization was terrifying, but very significant to me.
Just a few nights ago, when I realized this… I was distraught. I suddenly felt like my problems are, in fact, debilitating, and that there was no way for me to explain this to anyone other than my mother.
But, at the same time… it was validation. I know that I probably have this now. I know that I will never be diagnosed, especially with the DSM change…
And I don’t care.
I’ve always felt more comfortable with labels. They are a way of combatting my own illogical thoughts because they are concrete.
However, I don’t need a label in order to live with AS. I need to learn to deal with my difficulties and to harness my strengths… I don’t need to dwell in self-analysis and frustration.
I have been in a constant loop for months… but it’s over now. I can finally read again and I don’t have to analyze all of my thoughts and actions. Maybe I have it, but maybe I don’t.
I just have to follow the road and see what happens.